A reader writes:

I am doing my required end-of-quarter calls to parents of my failing students, and one thing feels weird: wishing a parent a good day after telling them their child is failing my class because they are completely disengaged, not turning in anything, has never asked for help and has refused help, and — by the way — got caught cheating on a test today.

I have been reading your advice for a few years now and, as a later-in-life diagnosed autistic woman, have really appreciated your pragmatic approach to explaining when social conventions are weird but the way things are. You and your commentariat introduced me to the concept of “social lubricant words,” and it has helped me be better at accepting those phrases as that rather than literally — for example, responding “good” to “how are you?” no matter how I am feeling.

But wishing a parent a good evening or weekend after discussing a difficult situation with their child, or knowing my coworker is working through something hard or having a bad day, seems strange even with that framing.

Years ago, I read a book in which one of the main characters wished their troubled child “an acceptable day” as a way to convey that any kind of day — even ones in which they are struggling through difficult things — was good because they were doing the best they could. I loved this sentiment. My literal brain thinks it is a great alternative to wishing someone well when I have no idea what they are going through, or know they are having a difficult time.

But I have never heard it used by anyone else. I used to use this phrase a lot but have not recently because I worry it comes across as weird or with unintended meaning to coworkers, parents, and students who do not know the backstory. I know wishing someone “the day they deserve” always means “fuck you,” and I do not want to inadvertently imply anything with negative connotations. One of my communication struggles is that I say things with their face-value meanings, without hidden messaging, and accept what people say at face-value — not understanding that there is a hidden meaning until later.

What do you think about wishing someone “an acceptable day” in a work or school context? Do you have an alternative suggestion for how to end a conversation in which you discussed something that is not conducive to wishing someone a good evening or weekend?

I’m glad you mentioned the comparison to “the day you deserve,” because that’s exactly what came to mind as I read your letter, and I do think “an acceptable day” is highly likely to land the same way. It’s different in your book example — there, a parent says it to a child they know well, within a loving relationship. The context you’re contemplating is very different, and many people will take it as chilly or even unkind, even though you don’t mean it that way.

There are, however, other ways to close calls where you’ve had to deliver bad news:

  • “Thank you for talking with me.”
  • “Thank you for talking with me, and I’m sorry I didn’t have better news.”
  • “Thanks for talking with me, and I hope you still have a good rest of your day.”
  • “Thank you for talking with me, and take care.”

Save “have an acceptable day” for relationships where there is genuine intimacy and it will be understood as a caring recognition of where the other person is, not as a potential slight.